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tv   wusa 9 News at 7pm  CBS  August 22, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm EDT

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so she can experience the glow that we feel every day. well, i say we don't bring her the torch. i say we bring her the olympic games! who is with me?! well, i don't care-- it's my decision. springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next olympics. economists predict our city will experience the same boom that sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 games. and it's all because of your letter, lisa. well, actually, i just wrote it for a school assignment. everyone else wrote to the backstreet boys. to honor the arrival of our foreign friends and enemies channel six is sponsoring a contest to find a springfield olympic mascot. the winner will join such other memorable mascots as the atlanta "whazzit" and the montreal "vampire." a mascot contest?! i'm sure to win that unless one of you jinxes me. no one's going to jinx you, homer. in fact, we're rooting for you. yeah! go for the gold, dad! shut up! shut up! shut up!
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well, you said i couldn't do it but here it is. meet abby, the olympic tabby. bart: how did you get the eyes to move? ( meowing ) you papier mache'd my cat?! just for the prototype, honey. ( meows ) ( hisses ) knowing you always hate my first idea i prepared a backup. how about a big olympic hello for springy, the springfield spring! bart: those aren't the dog's eyes, are they? hey, that's cute. good work, dad. it's fun for the whole family and the ends are razor-sharp to protect our nation and its interests. ow! god bless america! hit the road, lefty! you, too, rizzo. oh, cinnamon. don't make this harder than it already is.
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( cheering ) bravo, springfield. i've never seen such a clean sewer. and we are positively inspired by your solar power plant. love that sun, man. and we will do anything including, but not limited to anything to make your stay here tolerable. yes, you'll be completely above the law. uh, women, guns, cash-- uh, whatever you need, it's yours. and that's not all. we've just chosen our official olympic mascot. ( crowd applauds ) ( gasping ): they picked springy! in your face, patty and selma! well, we still love you, ciggy. mmm... that glue really gives it a pop. and now, because the children are our future here are the children of springfield elementary
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with a song they call "the children are our future." children? ( bright pop playing ) ♪ children ♪ children ♪ future ♪ future ♪ are you ready for the... ♪ children! whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪ the future is a... ♪ coming! hey, hey, hey! ♪ children ♪ children ♪ future ♪ future... i've never wanted a beer worse in my life. ( gasps ) i love you, honey. are you talking to me or the beer? to you my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover. ♪ children, children ♪ children are the future ♪ kids! bravo! magnifique! muy bueno. it gives me great pride to officially declare
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the next olympics will be held right here in... wait, wait! we have one more act. the patriotic comedy stylings of bart simpson! thank you, thank you. so, uh, you're from russia, huh? da! you drunk yet? da. poland, eh? too easy. how you doing, germany? here's my impression of an east german woman: kiss me, or i'll crush you. ( laughing ) he says what we're all thinking. i'm not thinking that. hey, swiss miss. ththere's no missing you, babe. lay off the cocoa. ( kids laughing ) now, i'd like to say one last thing to our olympic representatives. if there was a medal for horrible audiences you'd get the gold. peace out. skinner! how could you put this boy on
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with that horrible material? well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal. and he didn't even get to his ubangi routine. ( laughing ) ha, ha, ha. laugh it up, you punks 'cause you and jan murray here just cost our town the olympics. hey, chalmers, where are you from? i... oh, well, i was born in queens went to ball state then made the move to intercourse, pennsylvania. uh, why do you ask? don't worry, sir. i'll teach these children respect for their town. i'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service. ( groaning ): oh... community service?! "intercourse"? what if we refuse? you won't pass to the next grade. i fail to see the threat. skinner! good idea. now, if you'll excuse me i'm off to vacation at lake titticaca. let's see you make a joke out of that, mr. smart guy. all right, martin, for your community service you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street gangs.
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all right, gang, shirts and skins. let's hustle! ( gunshot ) ( tires screeching ) milhouse, do you like the beach? who doesn't? well, i want you to pick up all this medical waste that's washed up on the shore here. ow! i pricked myself. well, just keep working. you'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later. what are you going to do to me? bart, not all community service is gang warfare and dangerous infection, and to illustrate that point here's where you'll be working. the fireworks, candy and puppy dog store?! no, no, no. next to it. settle a bet-- boil or mole?
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 okay, just breathe through your mouth and don't ask how they're feeling. ( muzak playing "zippity doo dah" ) oh, man. ( shrieks ) whoa! ( grunts ) ( teeth chattering ) aren't you a cutie-petutie.
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( yells ) oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle. ( shuddering ) 2:00-- recreation time. phew. saved by the bell. where do you think you're going? ( gulps ) oh, no, lis. they got you, too? what are you talking about? i've been volunteering here for a year. let's hear some numbers. i got a nice diagonal going here. b-3. you sunk my battleship. ( laughing ) g-52. you sunk my battleship. ( laughing ) oh, i got a bingo! what do i win? a banana! a whole one?! yep. that's the prize? a banana? their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity. they're not babies, lisa. give them something fun, like cigars or booze. we tried giving them eggnog at christmas but it led to widespread de-shawling. that's what they get for wearing such tight, little shawls.
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oh! okay, 4:00-- nap time. ( all snoring ) you tell them when to sleep? shh. don't wake them. ( vacuum whirring ) while they sleep we suck up excess dirt and crumbs. here--make sure you get into every crevice. cool! grandpa... homer. grandpa...homer. don't play with the faces. ( all munching ) so, bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism? that place sucks! the nurses don't let grandpa do anything. they practically chew his food for him. lucky stiff. i'm working my ass off here. good steak, honey. the elderly aren't like you or me, bart. they thrive on consistency, predictability and a life with no surprises. sounds good to me. ( doorbell ringing ) i'll get it! delivery for homer simpson.
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whoo-hoo! my springs! they finally came! but we lost the olympics to shelbyville. yeah, but i should have no problem selling a thousand springs. to who? idiots. ooh, these are fun! toh, rhett. oh, rhett, where will i go? what'll i do? frankly, my dear, i love you. let's remarry. oh, what a lovely ending. that's sweet. they cut out the best word! didn't that movie used to have a war in it? come on. get up! you've been warned. picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat... ( tape playing ocean noises ) ah, can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair? or scalps? say, i hear a foghorn. ( imitating foghorn ): boooor-ing. bart, we don't want to overstimulate these people. they just had pudding. ( doorbell ringing ) hello, little girl.
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is your mommy home? you'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy mr. bouncy best-friend! i know you. your little smart-mouthedy cost this town the olympics. man: who is it, mother? bart simpson's father. oh, i'll be right down. ( footsteps on stairs ) ow! unh! ow! unh! ow! unh! ow! unh! ow! unh! ow! unh! homer: boy, lenny you sure look hungry. have some nuts. hey, thanks. ow! my eye! ow! ow! ow! ( laughing ) now, if you want to be the life of the party like lenny here just place your order for this hilarious novelty item. homer, get out of here. boy, moe, you sure look angry. here, have some nuts. hey, thanks. ow! god, my eye! get it out! geez! ow! ow! don't pull! don't pull! i said don't pull. don't. now we're pulling into port. ( gasps ) and who's waiting for us at the dock? why, it's all your childhood dogs.
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i see petey and blackie and schnoodle and... oh, no! pirates! pirates? ahoy, mateys, it's me long bart silver and i'm going to rip you a new i.v. hole. ( frightened gasps ) bart, what are you doing? i'm just trying to liven things up around here. these people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars like the old people on tv. excuse me, but when those pirates boarded i swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping. get me some ipecac. i'd like to expunge it. okay, she's gone-- let's break out of here and have fun. ( all mumbling ) but if i get up, somebody'll take my chair. got that right. it's the only one left with padding. all ( in hushed tones ): padding... what about you, chief? don't you want to be free like the eagle? oh, i don't live here. i'm just dropping off indian casino pamphlets. vote yes on prop 217. ( grunts ) you know, the door was open chief break-everything! come on, people! you don't want to stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep.
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they do what now? now's our chance. let's go! ( all chattering ) let's go! oh, no. bart has stolen the elderly. forgot my hat.
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 ♪ can't buy me love ♪ love ♪ can't buy me love ♪ i'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend ♪ ♪ if it makes you feel all right ♪ ♪ i'll get you anything, my friend ♪ ♪ if it makes you feel all right ♪ ♪ 'cause i don't care too much for money ♪ ♪ money can't buy me love ♪ i'll give you all i've got to give ♪ ♪ if you say you love me, too ♪ i may not have a lot to give, but what i g got ♪ ♪ i'll give to you ♪ 'cause i don't care too much for money ♪ ♪ money can't buy me love... ow! today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day. bart: hey, everybody how'd you like to go on a real boat trip? ( upbeat chattering ) argh, not a looker among 'em. full speed ahead! damn the torpedoes!
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what'd he say? "put on our tuxedos"? i want some taquitos. homer: welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow... today! marge, how much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan? nothing. don't answer yet. watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of god's greatest creation-- the spring! now watch this. ( screaming ) aah...! ohh... are you okay? some second-degree burns, but some first-class burgers. ( groans ) i want you to get rid of these springs. but you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow. ta-dah! now if i drop her, no more tears! ( humming "sweet georgia brown" ) give me my baby. "d" it up, marge. i'm going to the hole! marge: i want those springs gone today. ( toilet flushing ) ♪ you flush one down, it swirls around ♪
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♪ 999 springs to flush down... you're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you? of course not. ( toilet flushing ) ♪ 996 springs to flush down ♪ ♪ 996 springs... ( '40s dance music playing ) oh, abe, you dance divinely. i haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since i was watch commander at pearl harbor. aw, geez, this place used to be crawling with russian subs. now, there's just four. ( bart shrieks ) sea hag! bart simpson! bart, are you crazy? you've got to get the old folks home to the old folks home. no way. they're finally having some fun. how low can i go?! ( bone cracking ) that's it. gee, bart, maybe you're right. ( beeping ) they don't even seem to care that it's medication time. medication time?! hot dog!
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give me! give me! give me! i want some pills! blue ones! but i've set you free. no more nap time, no more bingo. you can do whatever you want. let's play bingo. ( enthusiastic chattering ) you sunk my battleship. ( laughter ) ( sighs ) now, smithers you say you painted all your navy buddies this way? until i was discharged, sir. i don't get it, grandpa. if you guys like all that boring stuff why did you follow me out here? got to do something till bingo. ( all screaming ) how could you miss that huge boat coming right at us? oh, two glass eyes. ( pinging ) oh, it's not fair. i'm not supposed to die now. i'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt
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at the age of 15. ha-ha! you're not dead yet you pudgy little pisher! jack lalanne! jack lalanne! don't worry. i'll save you the jack lalanne way. ( all cheering ) uh-oh. this is all your fault. let's get him. i blame him. he killed us all. i want some taquitos. leave him alone! sure, bart's responsible for our deaths but he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years. so before we go to our watery graves i think we should all... ( gurgling sounds ) ( all screaming ) ( relieved sighing ) ( screaming ) ( sighing ) ( screaming )
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( sighing ) what the heck's going on? homer's voice through pipe: ♪ 135 springs to flush down... ah, what a shame. not a looker in the bunch. so, you working tomorrow at the home, bart? well, i finished my community service. ohhh... right. but i could swing by after school. i'll bring the limbo stick. hot diggity! ( humming ) grandpa, stop shaking the harness. how low can i go?!
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sheldon, you're wrong. wolverine was not born with bone claws. howard, you know me to be a very smart man. don't you think if i were wrong, i'd know it? okay, first of all... give it up, dude. you're arguing with a crazy person. i'm not crazy. my mother had me tested.
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hey, guys. what are you doing here? what do you mean? it's new comic book night. yeah, but since you and penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night. there's more to life than sex, raj. okay, who had "leonard flames out with penny in less than 24 hours"? i did. nothing flamed out. we don't have to have sex every night, you know. you don't have to, but it's highly recommended. yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. it's not a matter of opportunity. we're getting to know each other. there's a learning curve. what's there to learn? you get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. easy peasy. perhaps what leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction. okay, who had "leonard gets a floppy disk"? oh, a clever-- albeit obsolete-- euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ. (singsongy chuckle) nothing like that happened, all right?
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the sex was... just fine. just fine? oh, dude, the fourth harry potter movie was "just fine." i'm not saying it was bad. i'm just saying it... wasn't great. okay, when you say "it wasn't great," do you mean for both of you? because we can totally see it not being great for her. am i right? oh, yeah. to tell you the truth, i think we were both a little-- i don't know... disappointed? let down? ashamed? horrified? repulsed? all i know is, it wasn't the way i dreamed it would be. (scoffs) sex is never the way i dream it's gonna be. that's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down. excuse me-- wolverine: origin miniseries, issue two, page 22. retractable bone claws. if you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments. ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

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